English as She is Spoke

The above is the title of a book written in 1855 by Pedro Carolino. He wanted to write an English phrase book for Portuguese students. The problem was...he didn't speak English.

To quote the preface of this book:

"...he didn't own an English-to-Portuguese dictionary. What he did have, though, was a Portuguese-to-French phrasebook and a French-to-English dictionary. The bizarre linguistic train wreck that ensued--published in Paris in 1855 as O Novo Guia da Conversacio, em Portuguez e Inglez, em Duas Partes: The New Guide of the Conversation, in Portuguese and English, in Two Parts--became celebrated as a bizarre masterpiece of unintentional humor, and it went on to be reprinted around the world for the rest of the 19th century, under the title English as She is Spoke."

Here are some samples:

This pen are good for notting.
What news tell me? all hairs dresser are newsmonger. (Insult to a barber)

With a gardener: What you make hither, Francis?
I water this flowers parterre.
Shall i eat some plums soon?
It is not the season yet; but here is some peaches what does ripen at the eye sight.
It delay me to eat some wal nuts-kernels; take care not leave to pass the season.
Be tranquil, i shall throw you any nuts during the shell is green yet.

It's very interesting and was actually used as an authoritative resource for several decades, and then it wasn't. It has been used as an example of tortured English in the decades since and perhaps as a warning to others as the way not to write a phrase book.

13 Thursday Malapropisms

Definition of malapropism: ludicrous misuse of a word, especially by confusion with one of similar sound—sometimes done purposely and sometimes done accidentally.

Good punctuation means not to be late.

He's a wolf in cheap clothing.

My sister has extra-century perception.

"Don't" is a contraption.

"Listen to the blabbing brook." Norm Crosby

"This is unparalyzed in the state's history." Gib Lewis, Texas Speaker of the House

"The police are not here to create disorder, they're here to preserve disorder." Richard Daley, former Chicago mayor

"He was a man of great statue." Thomas Menino, Boston mayor

"Well, that was a cliff-dweller." Wes Westrum, about a close baseball game

"Be sure and put some of those neutrons on it." Mike Smith, ordering a salad at a restaurant

"It's got lots of installation." Mike Smith, describing his new coat

Damp weather is very hard on the sciences.

The death of Francis Shaw was a major turning point in his life.

13 Thursday Old West Terms

I hope someday to write an Old West novel of some kind. These are some terms that could be useful.

1.Arbuckle's ~ slang for coffee, taken from a popular brand of the time. "I need a cup of Arbuckle's."

2.Between hay and grass ~ neither man nor boy, half-grown.

3.Big bug ~ important person, official, boss. "He's one of the railroad big bugs."

4.California widow ~ woman separated from her husband, but not divorced. (From when pioneer men went West, leaving their wives to follow later.)

5.Crowbait ~ derogatory term for a poor-quality horse.

6.Difficulty ~ euphemism for trouble, often the shootin' or otherwise violent kind. "He had to leave Texas on account of a difficulty with a gambler in San Antonio."

7.Dreadful ~ very. "Oh, her dress is dreadfully pretty."

8.Fetch ~ bring, give. "Fetch me that hammer." / "He fetched him a punch in the nose."

9.Flannel mouth ~ an overly smooth or fancy talker, especially politicians or salesmen. "I swear that man is a flannel-mouthed liar."

10.Get a wiggle on ~ hurry.

11.Gospel mill ~ a church.

12.Hobble your lip ~ shut up.

13.See the elephant ~ originally meant to see combat for the first time, later came to mean going to town, where all the action was.

Thursday Thirteen Things Starting with "T"

1. Talent
2. Therapy
3. Thrilled
4. Thorough
5. Thimble
6. Thrice
7. Thickening
8. Thalamus
9. Throne
10. Torrid
11. Tropical
12. Thanks
13. Titillate

I know. Who cares?

Things

When I'm writing, I don't usually have a lot of problem with coming up with words, and if I do, I just go on writing and the word or a substitute usually comes to me. However, this is not case with speaking. I've always been pretty quick with words, so as my ability to come up with words quickly has changed some, it has become somewhat frustrating to me.

This is the way I envision my talking in the future. "Hey you, would mind going to that place and getting me some of those things next to the white stuff we use for a thing that's slapped together to eat and that green stuff that's crispy and the white creamy stuff that causes that weight gain? I would really appreciate it. And please get some of that stuff that bubbles and tickles that thing in the middle of the round part of you that sits on the top. I like the brown stuff best with nothing fattening and nothing that keeps you from sleeping. If you will do these things for me I will try to sew up those blue things that cover those long fat stick things on the bottom of you that are attached to your flat size 10 things used for walking."

Now some people could understand all of the above and be able to follow it. However, speaking like that isn't very satisfying, and I don't usually have to rename so many things in one paragraph. I hope I never have that much trouble. But if I do, remember to have that one thing the Bible says to have along with a lot of other things when you walk the Christian life, and treat me in that one way you're supposed to.

Thanks. QOTW